Which one is faster, a Fox or a Rabbit?

Surely a Fox can catch a Rabbit easily…  No?

The Fox is a predator, he’s fast, smart, and he’s chasing his dinner, surely he will catch the Rabbit? The thing is, yes, the Fox is chasing his dinner but the Rabbit is running for his life – I argue that the Rabbit will run faster!

When we want something, even if we really want it and we are going full tilt to get it, at the end of the day, if our wants are in competition with needs then the wants will always lose.

We live in a transactional world now, even when we talk about morals, being rights respecting and emotional intelligence, it is all with a view to a gain.  I doubt that there are any genuinely altruistic people in the world anymore – in modern, functioning society anyway.  As a society we have confused wants with needs and entitlement with appreciation.

As a society we live a life that we think, romantically, is based on achieving the best for all, the realist seems to be very different.  The world is run on obligatory reciprocity and debt.  Think about it, if you met a friend and you bought them a drink and they then left without buying you a drink back, what would you be thinking? Continue reading

Recently I have been helping a friend of mine go through a break-up.  Him and his boyfriend had been together for a little over a year and their relationship was one of extremes.  This culminated in a police escort last Saturday for the one that is not my friend to get his things and move out for good.

Naturally, I did what any decent friend would do.  I cancelled my plans and drove over there to be there for my friend.  I left his house some 14 hours later, and since then I have been there throughout the week, albeit from a distance.

So last night at dinner I was running Jose through my day (he works Saturdays) and as we were talking I was trying to explain my thoughts on communication and extremes.  For the longest time I have said that communication is the key to a successful, well, anything.  Recent experiences have caused me to question that though.  Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing that I would not talk to Jose about and I would certainly never say that communication is not vital.  I have noticed two things about communication though:

People ‘hear’ according to their field of reference, not yours

Generally we listen to respond, not to understand.

What I am taking from this past week is that actually the element that needs to be nurtured is balance.  I mean, what’s the point in communication if it is infinitely circular or inherently vacuous, on the flip side, communication that is loaded with passion is not reasonable.

Before they got together we would often talk, as friends do…  about boys, love, the desire for partners etc.  My friend and I had both had 10 year relationships previously so it’s not like we were commitmentphobes or anything.  As far as we were concerned, our pedigree was strong in the relationship world.

Unfortunately, we were dinosaurs in the relationship world, we had been unleashed into a wold of Grindr, Hornet, Scruff and all manner of things that were alien to us…  First Date Dinner and a Movie had very firmly been replaced with Dick Pic and Netflix.  Terrifying.  I should say, we are only mid 30’s.

Continue reading

A couple weekends ago José and I were in Amsterdam and being the socially adept people that we are we were chatting to a guy that we met and he asked how long José and I had been together.  When I replied to say “…just under two years…”, he seemed genuinely shocked that we still even liked one another.

Now I need to set the scene here, this is at an after-hours party, in Amsterdam so needless to say the conversation was never going to flow in accordance with my British sensibilities.  His next question was, “So have you guys stopped fucking and started meeting other guys yet?”

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I’ve been away for a little while, and despite the fact that I have a good seven or eight draft posts going at the moment, and about a million more in my head I wanted to write something about a conversation that Jose and I have recently had.

It’s the summer holidays and as my day job is related to education, that is when I take a lot of my time off.  We have just come back from a week and a half in Spain and then we just spent the long weekend in Amsterdam –  It was really great for Jose and I to spend that time with each other and really calibrate ourselves, and by that I mean each self and then the third ‘self’ that is us.  I mean, we didn’t sit around contemplating our navels and trying to communicate telepathically or anything quite like that (although we got pretty close in Amsterdam when we tried Mushrooms, that was until Jose came out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his head with our toothbrushes as horns).  We were our natural, unfiltered and unaffected selves and it was nice to go back to point zero.

It’s so easy to get bogged down with ‘stuff‘ and neglect the things that really underpin our emotional satisfaction.  I know that sounds vacuous and perhaps even vague and I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting a bit older, I’m generally happier or that I just don’t value material stuff as much any more.

Continue reading “Stuff”

Where am I?

So yesterday Jose and I really talked things through (I didn't even watch Game of Thrones – but I wont pull at that thread right now!) and it really was helpful, and also positive… we seem more able to move forward now.

Naturally there were a few bumps along the way but all in all we were really civil and understanding about each others position.  I explained to him that I felt like his quasi-obsession with buying a house of house of his own was some kind of looming threat and he reassured me that isn't the case at all, he simply wants an investment of his own because I own the house that I live in.

It was all pretty run of the mill Wysteria Lane type discussion to be fair, I won't lie.  A part of me wishes that there was a degree of screaming and dish smashing but it just isn't the way Jose operates.  One thing that I did have to keep doing was saying, "See, that's not what I think I'm saying and I don't know what to do to make myself understood".

We kind of stared at one another for a second because it was one of those moments where we were actually back at point zero.  Neither one of us knew where to go but what we both seemed to realise at that moment is where we WERE!

It really got me to thinking…  I am totally focussed on work, I started a new job in January this year and it is incredibly demanding, I am on a huge target to re-do the bathroom, have the garden landscaped and change the kitchen up.  Jose wants to secure his investment for his future – these things are totally valid but what they mean is that we are not living in the now.

In all areas of life it is akin to impossible to go anywhere if you lose track of where you are…  think about it, in London, you need to get somewhere on, lets say the tube, yes you have a destination but we always have to have have a point zero, home base or whatever you want to call it so that you can map out your connections and plan your journey – the same thing totally applies in relationships.  Jose and I were totally adrift.

While we stood there it kind of dawned on me that we have is great and what are we doing, where are we?  In order to answer that I literally asked myself "Where am I?"

Continue reading “Where am I?”

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