Recently I have been helping a friend of mine go through a break-up. Him and his boyfriend had been together for a little over a year and their relationship was one of extremes. This culminated in a police escort last Saturday for the one that is not my friend to get his things and move out for good.
Naturally, I did what any decent friend would do. I cancelled my plans and drove over there to be there for my friend. I left his house some 14 hours later, and since then I have been there throughout the week, albeit from a distance.
So last night at dinner I was running Jose through my day (he works Saturdays) and as we were talking I was trying to explain my thoughts on communication and extremes. For the longest time I have said that communication is the key to a successful, well, anything. Recent experiences have caused me to question that though. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing that I would not talk to Jose about and I would certainly never say that communication is not vital. I have noticed two things about communication though:
People ‘hear’ according to their field of reference, not yours
Generally we listen to respond, not to understand.
What I am taking from this past week is that actually the element that needs to be nurtured is balance. I mean, what’s the point in communication if it is infinitely circular or inherently vacuous, on the flip side, communication that is loaded with passion is not reasonable.
Before they got together we would often talk, as friends do… about boys, love, the desire for partners etc. My friend and I had both had 10 year relationships previously so it’s not like we were commitmentphobes or anything. As far as we were concerned, our pedigree was strong in the relationship world.
Unfortunately, we were dinosaurs in the relationship world, we had been unleashed into a wold of Grindr, Hornet, Scruff and all manner of things that were alien to us… First Date Dinner and a Movie had very firmly been replaced with Dick Pic and Netflix. Terrifying. I should say, we are only mid 30’s.