A couple weekends ago José and I were in Amsterdam and being the socially adept people that we are we were chatting to a guy that we met and he asked how long José and I had been together.  When I replied to say “…just under two years…”, he seemed genuinely shocked that we still even liked one another.

Now I need to set the scene here, this is at an after-hours party, in Amsterdam so needless to say the conversation was never going to flow in accordance with my British sensibilities.  His next question was, “So have you guys stopped fucking and started meeting other guys yet?”

Lets be clear on something here, there is absolutely no way anybody could ever refer to me as a prude in any way and I generally have less filters that most people than I socialise with but so this frankness actually really piqued my interest and curiosity.  I’ve talked often about the societal need for immediate gratification and need to express in 140 characters or less and I think this ties in directly to that.  I mean it’s all well and good to see those empowering memes on Instagram etc.  You know the ones:

Advice Meme - Dump Him

However, being brought up in a family construct where my parents were, and are, still very much together and I’ve seen them overcome a whole lot of crap over the 30 years or so that I can remember.  Maybe that’s why I have a strong sense of realism and the desire to fix rather than throw, also I’m a Pisces (yes I do subscribe to that absolutely) and I’m generally a pragmatic, albeit binary, person which means that I don’t expect to be the ONLY one but I absolutely do expect to be NUMBER ONE!

I’ve never been a jealous person, there’s a running joke in my circle of friends whenever anybody brings up jealousy, “Jealous, Never.  Bitter, Ever!”.  Jealousy is a symptom of comparison and comparison is the enemy of progression.  I have expressed at length my thoughts on communication so I definitely do not subscribe to the “Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies” construct in fact, I have a perfect example of why this is not a good idea.  Ever:

A few months ago, José and I went to the hair salon (my friend is our stylist), and whilst I was having my hair shampooed my friend said to me, “So this is really awkward, but I saw José online on Grindr yesterday…”.  I’m ashamed to admit this but I immediately went into character and even surprised myself that I didn’t hesitate before saying, “Oh yeah, well you know boys will be boys!” and my friend responded with, “So you know, phew. Cool.”  Let me tell you that when I got José in the car on the way home I let him HAVE IT, not because I was upset that he had done what he had done, I actually kinda expect that.  It was the fact that I was caught short with a friend and put in a really uncomfortable situation.  The positive in this was that it did facilitate a really open and honest conversation about our relationship…

Theres this whole rhetoric that gay men are super promiscuous  and unable to commit to one another and I kind of get it.  I do not agree with it at all, but I get where it comes from.  Does it harken back to the days of Love-In’s and Communes in the 60’s, I dunno…  Yes, it’s possible to choose a cock and a pizza on an app and arrange delivery in approximately the same time… Is it a gay thing though, I would argue that it isn’t – after all the same thing applies across all sexual preference combinations!

All people are capable of submitting to temptation.  Oscar Wilde wrote: “The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.  Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself…”  

I recently read a book called Fifteen Dogs by a writer named Andre Alexis and in that book the Gods Hermes and Apollo imbue 15 dogs with the conscious of humans, if you like to read I would definitely recommend that you read this book because it is sheer brilliance…  and it does such an amazing job at tearing apart the construct of communicative, behavioural and societal norms – and there are dogs, I love dogs.

Never before in history have the veils of social construct been pulled back so voraciously and actively as they are in the current climate and I am here for it.  Never before has there been such an interest in what people are doing with their genitals.  The hunger for knowledge about how people identify, what they are into and excited by is insatiable.  I talked about relationships a lot in my last post and I stand firmly by what I say about a relationship being the property of the people involved in that relationship.

I would never dare to comment on another persons relationships but I will say this; since actively communicating to remove the taboo’s from our relationship the trust and intimacy between José and I has never been so strong!


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To know and understand the real gay world

nida chowdhry

thoughts in doodles & long posts

A Hundred Falling Veils

there's a poem in every day

Amanda Mininger

Writer | Author


I cook, I eat, I garden, I write

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