So yesterday Jose and I really talked things through (I didn’t even watch Game of Thrones – but I wont pull at that thread right now!) and it really was helpful, and also positive… we seem more able to move forward now.

Naturally there were a few bumps along the way but all in all we were really civil and understanding about each others position.  I explained to him that I felt like his quasi-obsession with buying a house of house of his own was some kind of looming threat and he reassured me that isn’t the case at all, he simply wants an investment of his own because I own the house that I live in.

It was all pretty run of the mill Wysteria Lane type discussion to be fair, I won’t lie.  A part of me wishes that there was a degree of screaming and dish smashing but it just isn’t the way Jose operates.  One thing that I did have to keep doing was saying, “See, that’s not what I think I’m saying and I don’t know what to do to make myself understood”.

We kind of stared at one another for a second because it was one of those moments where we were actually back at point zero.  Neither one of us knew where to go but what we both seemed to realise at that moment is where we WERE!

It really got me to thinking…  I am totally focussed on work, I started a new job in January this year and it is incredibly demanding, I am on a huge target to re-do the bathroom, have the garden landscaped and change the kitchen up.  Jose wants to secure his investment for his future – these things are totally valid but what they mean is that we are not living in the now.

In all areas of life it is akin to impossible to go anywhere if you lose track of where you are…  think about it, in London, you need to get somewhere on, lets say the tube, yes you have a destination but we always have to have have a point zero, home base or whatever you want to call it so that you can map out your connections and plan your journey – the same thing totally applies in relationships.  Jose and I were totally adrift.

While we stood there it kind of dawned on me that we have is great and what are we doing, where are we?  In order to answer that I literally asked myself “Where am I?”

The truth is that Everything has been a bit shaky for a while, when Jose and I were in Tel Aviv for Pride my then boss called me and told me that she had resigned. It kind of all started then since then it’s started off a chain of events that have made me really insecure and that insecurity has manifested in ways that are frightening, surprising and a bit bloody weird.  I mean I think i knew this anyway because just the other day I wrote such a big post on projection and now it makes sense as to why I had so much to say on that!

Jose told me that he felt I had been blaming him for things, such as if I was insecure I would make him believe that he was doing something or behaving in a way that was doing that…  He totally wasn’t.  In turn, I was then noticing a shift in his behaviour and believing that he was distancing himself for me…

All of this, and it’s me who struggles to connect with other humans at the best of times – it’s a tinder box…  [not the app, we don’t do that].  Last night we slept a lot easier and were a lot more relaxed than we have been for week.

We have a deal that we always remember where we are when we are making best laid plans – because point zero is us.

That being said, If I don’t get to watch Game of Thrones tonight…  I may kill him.

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To know and understand the real gay world

A Hundred Falling Veils

there's a poem in every day

Amanda Mininger

Writer | Author


I cook, I eat, I garden, I write

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