This is a heat of the moment post, and one I may question later but here goes.

Jose and I have been together for 18 months, and we have had an amazing time!  Since the very first [unorthodox and somewhat cringeworthy] meeting we hit it off and we’ve always been so easy around and with one another…

Recently thought, this has changed as our spark is gone, we sit opposite one another in a restaurant instead of side by side and eye contact feels strained.  I’m literally at the end of my tether.

I had been married for 10 years; divorced and single for one.  Jose was in an open relationship with his other half…  I’m not proud of it but we met on Grindr.  I was making my foray into the dating world again, which after 10 years was absolutely terrifying!

Suffice to say, I fell in love quickly.  I am absolutely NOT ashamed to say this but I told him quickly and I have never regretted it.  It took him a little while to return the sentiment, and that was fine with me.  I could feel he loved me because I could see it in his soul and I could feel it in his touch, it was like a pulse of electricity whenever and wherever we touched.

So much so that on February 16th this year, on our one year anniversary, I proposed to Jose.  He accepted, there were tears and all was fine.

Recently, and I mean for the last month or so, it’s been painful.  He seem to resent that he lives in my house [it just so happens it’s my house, I bought it before I even knew him and when we wanted to make things official his ex called time of death and Jose moved in with me).

Jose is, by nature, a lot quieter and  much more considered than me…  That has always been part of our particular brand, he was the Yin to my Yang as it were.  I always thought that out absolute differences would make us stronger but they seem to be what is driving us apart at the moment.

I have tried talking to him, but in his usual style he says that he doesn’t know what I am talking about.  Here is the issue, by my own recognition and definition I am often out of whack with the rest of society, I very often struggle to make myself understood and right not I feel like I am drowning and whilst I can see Jose right by my side, instead of me feeling help from him, all I can feel is the equivalent of him telling me to learn how to swim…

Where do I go, what do I do?  I just don’t know.  As he sleeps in the other room and I sit here typing whilst listening to the gentle snores of the three dogs that live here and the ever so domesticates whir and swirl of the washing machine making our towels oh so white the paradox is really not lost on me…  To anyone looking in at this it is possibly the most idyllic of scenarios but the truth is that its so charged…

I once heard , or read a quote from History that was something along the lines of, “I have no desire to make windows into the souls of men”.  What I would give for that right now.




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To know and understand the real gay world

A Hundred Falling Veils

there's a poem in every day

Amanda Mininger

Writer | Author


I cook, I eat, I garden, I write

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