Living in fear…

I've noticed something about myself in the last few months that is entirely new and quite disturbing – I've become a bystander.

I was in a meeting at work a few days ago, I have another new boss (third in six months) and during my discussion with him – it hit me, so hard and unexpectedly that I almost felt it.

In a nutshell, it was just after the latest in a string of conversations with the boss that I had talked about in my previous post about projection; I reacted very strongly but also like a caged animal – as in, I wasn't able to be cogent about my reaction and therefore a little voice inside me said "Leave it, let someone else deal with, eventually it'll sort itself out".

Bystanders, by definition, see something and yet do nothing – we become bystanders as a result of living in fear.

Continue reading “Living in fear…”

Is Love Winning?

I’ve been on twitter for the last few nights watching all this crap unfold from the Republican Administration in the States (I refuse to refer to the POTUS by name and I refuse to allow him alone to be held responsible for what the fuck is going on) and whilst I’m seeing an outpouring of horror, despair and unity…  I am no longer buying this #LoveWins bollocks.

Change does not come from a Hashtag.

I’m not for one second suggesting that we should all be taking to the streets to start rioting for the sake of it but enough is enough.  We’ve come too fucking far and we’re too far gone to do this lets spread love, not hate crap.

Continue reading “Is Love Winning?”

Suck Less

I can often be heard moaning, usually to my boyfriend Jose, about lack of time that I have and that I am so easily overwhelmed by the amount of ‘stuff’ that I have to do…  I am absolutely certain that I drive him mad!

I have noticed lately that I keep getting all stressed and ‘tick-listy’ about stuff and that is sucking all the joy out of doing things – most notably my walks with my dogs have become a chore, rather than what they are…  which is not acceptable in my world!

For the first time in ages, I called into work sick yesterday (I really was sick, but normally I’d do the ‘soldier on’ thing and get into the office) and I had some time to sit and reflect on things, there’s nothing revolutionary in this list but if anyone has a tendency to get even as remotely caught up in this cyclone that is life, this may help!

Continue reading “Suck Less”

I don’t understand…

You know, lately I find myself repeating, “I don’t understand…” to myself countless times during the day and seemingly more than I remember doing so before!

What I am finding lately, is that the general reaction to that statement, should I ever dare to utter it out loud that is, is one of fear and defence in the person that I am saying it to, or if is an idea or concept they are trying to explain that I don’t understand.  I really think that, we, as a society have changed the meaning of ‘I don’t understand’ from identifying that there is a knowledge gap to ‘That is stupid and makes no sense‘.  It’s really scary

I believe it is because in a world where the opinion is supreme, the ‘clap-back’ is King and we should all be able to shut down, express or even antagonise in 140 characters or less. Continue reading “I don’t understand…”

Where am I?

So yesterday Jose and I really talked things through (I didn't even watch Game of Thrones – but I wont pull at that thread right now!) and it really was helpful, and also positive… we seem more able to move forward now.

Naturally there were a few bumps along the way but all in all we were really civil and understanding about each others position.  I explained to him that I felt like his quasi-obsession with buying a house of house of his own was some kind of looming threat and he reassured me that isn't the case at all, he simply wants an investment of his own because I own the house that I live in.

It was all pretty run of the mill Wysteria Lane type discussion to be fair, I won't lie.  A part of me wishes that there was a degree of screaming and dish smashing but it just isn't the way Jose operates.  One thing that I did have to keep doing was saying, "See, that's not what I think I'm saying and I don't know what to do to make myself understood".

We kind of stared at one another for a second because it was one of those moments where we were actually back at point zero.  Neither one of us knew where to go but what we both seemed to realise at that moment is where we WERE!

It really got me to thinking…  I am totally focussed on work, I started a new job in January this year and it is incredibly demanding, I am on a huge target to re-do the bathroom, have the garden landscaped and change the kitchen up.  Jose wants to secure his investment for his future – these things are totally valid but what they mean is that we are not living in the now.

In all areas of life it is akin to impossible to go anywhere if you lose track of where you are…  think about it, in London, you need to get somewhere on, lets say the tube, yes you have a destination but we always have to have have a point zero, home base or whatever you want to call it so that you can map out your connections and plan your journey – the same thing totally applies in relationships.  Jose and I were totally adrift.

While we stood there it kind of dawned on me that we have is great and what are we doing, where are we?  In order to answer that I literally asked myself "Where am I?"

Continue reading “Where am I?”

Mojo lost…. seeking mojo!

This is a heat of the moment post, and one I may question later but here goes.

Jose and I have been together for 18 months, and we have had an amazing time!  Since the very first [unorthodox and somewhat cringeworthy] meeting we hit it off and we've always been so easy around and with one another…

Recently thought, this has changed as our spark is gone, we sit opposite one another in a restaurant instead of side by side and eye contact feels strained.  I'm literally at the end of my tether.

I had been married for 10 years; divorced and single for one.  Jose was in an open relationship with his other half…  I'm not proud of it but we met on Grindr.  I was making my foray into the dating world again, which after 10 years was absolutely terrifying!

Suffice to say, I fell in love quickly.  I am absolutely NOT ashamed to say this but I told him quickly and I have never regretted it.  It took him a little while to return the sentiment, and that was fine with me.  I could feel he loved me because I could see it in his soul and I could feel it in his touch, it was like a pulse of electricity whenever and wherever we touched.

So much so that on February 16th this year, on our one year anniversary, I proposed to Jose.  He accepted, there were tears and all was fine.

Recently, and I mean for the last month or so, it's been painful.  He seem to resent that he lives in my house [it just so happens it's my house, I bought it before I even knew him and when we wanted to make things official his ex called time of death and Jose moved in with me).

Continue reading “Mojo lost…. seeking mojo!”

Return To Sender…

So in the last two weeks I have been given feedback that has been so off the wall that it has really disoriented me and as it has turned out, because I am such a reflective person (read sometimes too damn reflective), on both occasions it happened to be that the people giving me this feedback were actually using words to describe that were indicative of their own situation.  Almost as though they were creating an environment or set of circumstances that would make their behaviour acceptable.

The first incident was during my six month appraisal at work, with a brand new Line Manager (the fact that my company allowed a manager two weeks in to do my appraisal is beyond me for a start but hey ho!) My Line Manager gave me feedback that I was essentially boring and emotionless.  Her words were, "You are very good at setting the scene and giving context but I zone out about a third of the way through because I get bored" and "You are clearly very good at process and expectations, but I don't get the 'Hearts & Minds' part of the job – where is the emotion?"  At the time I remember thinking (of fuck off) and, I bet that actually she can't understand what I'm saying and a person with any form of emotional intelligence would never deliver that feedback.

Continue reading “Return To Sender…”

What do Draq Queens teach us about society?

I'm a RuPauls Drag Race Season 1 die hard and I'm not even a tiny bit sorry about it!
Right from that crazy filtered season I was hooked (seriously, it was worse Sunset Beach a la Channel 5 in the 90's) and I know exactly what it is that appeals to me so much – it's the irreverence.  You know, if there's anything that I can guarantee, I've always been the first one to go against the tide.  If someone says, "you can't do that", well I'm definitely going to do it, nobody puts baby in the corner, or a box.

I don't like rules.  That being said, if I'm in a place without rules I freak out and I guess that really gets me thinking… I'm really not happy unless I've got something to moan about; sometimes big things and more often the most banal crap that really shouldn't bother anyone in the least…  If I've got no time to spare I moan that I've got no control but then I go all out and I get control and then I moan that there's no spontaneity in my life – ain't that some shit.

Is this where we are in society right now? Have we become a faceless, noisy, pointless nation of entitled moaners?

It could also be why my mind rebels against fads, trends and the masses, it probably also explains my distaste at the pride flag campaign I wrote about in my identification with the gay community blog.

Continue reading “What do Draq Queens teach us about society?”

Why am I struggling to identify with the gay community?

Last week José and I were in the car, having just had lunch we were going to an amazing Gelato place we were about to discover in the nearby town of Hitchin. I was parking the car and we were talking and, as is common with me, my thoughts started tumbling.  Without thought the sentence "you know I'm struggling more and more every day to identify with the gay community; the appetite for the 'agenda' just seems insatiable" and even as I said it I realised I had hit on something really important and significant to me.

As we parked the car and wandered through this sleepy little down on a Sunday afternoon, I really couldn't shake the thought.

It all stemmed from something I had read on social media about someone, somewhere starting a campaign to change the pride flag to incorporate a brown and black stripe in recognition of members of the community that were 'of colour'.

I'm angry, disappointed and really confused.

The pride flag, that iconic rainbow flag that I have looked for all over the world on my travels. Ranging from when I'm in a new town in the UK,  strolling the streets of Paris with José, staggering and stumbling across Amsterdam with my friend Nic and even last summer on a particularly odd weekend trip to Geneva finding that flag in such an unknown place made us feel really safe. It's a symbol of unity, togetherness and frigging Pride. That symbol should not include any reference to a factions, divisions and categorisations within our Pride.

Continue reading “Why am I struggling to identify with the gay community?”

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