I’ve been composing this for a while now, and the reason is that I have had to recompose myself a few times during the process.  I make no secret that I often feel out of sync with society, sometimes I find myself trying to see things from so many perspectives that I lose my own and then I  become so confused that I can’t even articulate the swirling mass of heaving, writhing and suffocating feelings that I am experiencing.    Recently I told my best friend that I was sad, actually no, let’s call it what it is – experiencing depression – and this is rare for me because I come from a ‘stiff upper lip’ upbringing; you know that whole British Keep Calm and Carry On thing!

The crazy thing is this, I have no reasons to be depressed.  I have a really healthy relationship, I have three dogs that I adore and adore me, I’m successful at work – okay, I don’t make it to the gym as often as I would like but that’s a conscious decision, there’s nothing actually stopping me from going.  All in all, materially, I’m good.

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It’s been a little while since I have written because we have been on quite a long vacation in the United States – California, specifically San Francisco.  It was a great time and an epic adventure and we went with a friend – and let me tell you; could it ever have been proven to be a huge mistake.

There was one particular incident, and I wont go into the details of it, because it actually doesn’t matter, that really triggered me – it is important to note here that this was in the midst of a very alcohol heavy evening… needless to say the immediate response was not some of my finest work!

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Which one is faster, a Fox or a Rabbit?

Surely a Fox can catch a Rabbit easily…  No?

The Fox is a predator, he’s fast, smart, and he’s chasing his dinner, surely he will catch the Rabbit? The thing is, yes, the Fox is chasing his dinner but the Rabbit is running for his life – I argue that the Rabbit will run faster!

When we want something, even if we really want it and we are going full tilt to get it, at the end of the day, if our wants are in competition with needs then the wants will always lose.

We live in a transactional world now, even when we talk about morals, being rights respecting and emotional intelligence, it is all with a view to a gain.  I doubt that there are any genuinely altruistic people in the world anymore – in modern, functioning society anyway.  As a society we have confused wants with needs and entitlement with appreciation.

As a society we live a life that we think, romantically, is based on achieving the best for all, the realist seems to be very different.  The world is run on obligatory reciprocity and debt.  Think about it, if you met a friend and you bought them a drink and they then left without buying you a drink back, what would you be thinking? Continue reading

Recently I have been helping a friend of mine go through a break-up.  Him and his boyfriend had been together for a little over a year and their relationship was one of extremes.  This culminated in a police escort last Saturday for the one that is not my friend to get his things and move out for good.

Naturally, I did what any decent friend would do.  I cancelled my plans and drove over there to be there for my friend.  I left his house some 14 hours later, and since then I have been there throughout the week, albeit from a distance.

So last night at dinner I was running Jose through my day (he works Saturdays) and as we were talking I was trying to explain my thoughts on communication and extremes.  For the longest time I have said that communication is the key to a successful, well, anything.  Recent experiences have caused me to question that though.  Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing that I would not talk to Jose about and I would certainly never say that communication is not vital.  I have noticed two things about communication though:

People ‘hear’ according to their field of reference, not yours

Generally we listen to respond, not to understand.

What I am taking from this past week is that actually the element that needs to be nurtured is balance.  I mean, what’s the point in communication if it is infinitely circular or inherently vacuous, on the flip side, communication that is loaded with passion is not reasonable.

Before they got together we would often talk, as friends do…  about boys, love, the desire for partners etc.  My friend and I had both had 10 year relationships previously so it’s not like we were commitmentphobes or anything.  As far as we were concerned, our pedigree was strong in the relationship world.

Unfortunately, we were dinosaurs in the relationship world, we had been unleashed into a wold of Grindr, Hornet, Scruff and all manner of things that were alien to us…  First Date Dinner and a Movie had very firmly been replaced with Dick Pic and Netflix.  Terrifying.  I should say, we are only mid 30’s.

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A couple weekends ago José and I were in Amsterdam and being the socially adept people that we are we were chatting to a guy that we met and he asked how long José and I had been together.  When I replied to say “…just under two years…”, he seemed genuinely shocked that we still even liked one another.

Now I need to set the scene here, this is at an after-hours party, in Amsterdam so needless to say the conversation was never going to flow in accordance with my British sensibilities.  His next question was, “So have you guys stopped fucking and started meeting other guys yet?”

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I’ve been away for a little while, and despite the fact that I have a good seven or eight draft posts going at the moment, and about a million more in my head I wanted to write something about a conversation that Jose and I have recently had.

It’s the summer holidays and as my day job is related to education, that is when I take a lot of my time off.  We have just come back from a week and a half in Spain and then we just spent the long weekend in Amsterdam –  It was really great for Jose and I to spend that time with each other and really calibrate ourselves, and by that I mean each self and then the third ‘self’ that is us.  I mean, we didn’t sit around contemplating our navels and trying to communicate telepathically or anything quite like that (although we got pretty close in Amsterdam when we tried Mushrooms, that was until Jose came out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his head with our toothbrushes as horns).  We were our natural, unfiltered and unaffected selves and it was nice to go back to point zero.

It’s so easy to get bogged down with ‘stuff‘ and neglect the things that really underpin our emotional satisfaction.  I know that sounds vacuous and perhaps even vague and I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting a bit older, I’m generally happier or that I just don’t value material stuff as much any more.

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Living in fear…

I’ve noticed something about myself in the last few months that is entirely new and quite disturbing – I’ve become a bystander.

In a recent conversation; I reacted very strongly but also like a caged animal – as in, I wasn’t able to be cogent about my reaction and therefore a little voice inside me said “Leave it, let someone else deal with, eventually it’ll sort itself out”.

Bystanders, by definition, see something and yet do nothing – we become bystanders as a result of living in fear.

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Is Love Winning?

I’ve been on twitter for the last few nights watching all this crap unfold from the Republican Administration in the States (I refuse to refer to the POTUS by name and I refuse to allow him alone to be held responsible for what the fuck is going on) and whilst I’m seeing an outpouring of horror, despair and unity…  I am no longer buying this #LoveWins bollocks.

Change does not come from a Hashtag.

I’m not for one second suggesting that we should all be taking to the streets to start rioting for the sake of it but enough is enough.  We’ve come too fucking far and we’re too far gone to do this lets spread love, not hate crap.

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Suck Less

I can often be heard moaning, usually to my boyfriend Jose, about lack of time that I have and that I am so easily overwhelmed by the amount of ‘stuff’ that I have to do…  I am absolutely certain that I drive him mad!

I have noticed lately that I keep getting all stressed and ‘tick-listy’ about stuff and that is sucking all the joy out of doing things – most notably my walks with my dogs have become a chore, rather than what they are…  which is not acceptable in my world!

For the first time in ages, I called into work sick yesterday (I really was sick, but normally I’d do the ‘soldier on’ thing and get into the office) and I had some time to sit and reflect on things, there’s nothing revolutionary in this list but if anyone has a tendency to get even as remotely caught up in this cyclone that is life, this may help!

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